Nieda-Harsas Bureau of Tourism
Some quotes from the campaign:
“I am going to spend the time while the guy’s walking up attempting to learn how to breathe fire like a dragonborn.” Jorma’s escape plan.
“I wanna make a good first impression on this guy because he looks like he might have money. I’m going to get on the ground and start doing push-ups, and I say very loudly, ‘A hundred ninety-nine! Two hundred! Woo! . . .so whatcha lookin’ at here?”" What happens when Jorma decides to make friends.
“Well, you know, I heard that you are looking at this building, and I figured you might need a business partner or representative. My name is Jorma” extend hand in handshake “expert dungeoneer but lay real estate agent. I don’t have my license yet, but, you know.” _Jorma makes an impression.
“This building just would happen to be a perfect place for the new Dio School of Learning and Killing.” Lindwell discusses a new venture.
“So if I’m pulling in, like, fifty gold a month from my gigs, so I’m giving. . . let’s see, carry the one. . . 5 gold. . . what’s the sister per gold ratio here?” – Jorma, pondering a tithe to Erathis.
“I offer to high five or fist bump or whatever is the hand greeting of the day, but of course I’m tied up, so it probably looks weird.” – Jorma, greeting a comrade after a disastrous wooing attempt.
“Are they stacked up or just standing around or, y’know, shoved in nicely like hay?” – Blizzacane tries to answer Jorma’s query about how many sisters the Church of Erathis has.
“I wiggle my bells joyfully and make them make the clinking sound.” – Blizzacane, easily amused.
“Until I find paint I’m just going to have to keep using more ketchup.” – Jorma’s interesting textile practices.
“This isn’t a D&D podcast, it’s a D&D problemcast.” – Jake, on the genesis of this adventure’s nomenclature.
“As long as there’s profit, I am 100% dedicated to this town of. . . what’s this town, again?” – Jorma, in a demonstration of his loyalty.
Jorma and Blizzacane pass by a jail cell being used to store paperwork
Jorma: “What do you think that paperwork’s in here for?”
“Lindwell, dude, are you communicating with, like, demon spirits or something? That’d be awesome! We’ll get Orcus all up on this town! Alright, but I claim rook. I’m riding on his head. And Blizzacane, you can ride on his skull staff, and we’re gonna totally kill these bandits.” – Jorma, making a leap of logic after Lindwell starts talking to himself.
Jorma: “. . . .Have you noticed anybody suspicious around here?”
Karl: “Well – haha – I have to say, Jorma, that. . . the most suspicious person to come through this inn in the last few weeks has been you. . . .”
Jorma: “Really? Really? I’m flattered. I am flattered. Thank you. You just made my day.”
Blizzacane: “Oh, it’s always about the money with you.”
Jorma: “Yes. So. . . .”
“Look, if we help the little people – if we help the farmers, and the bums – it’s like trickle-up, y’know, it’s gonna – our fame is gonna grow from the ground up.” – Jorma the fame-seeker.
“Happy birthday, bitches!” – Jorma, after jumping out of a box carried by Blizzacane, but before jumping out and failing to kill a mofo.
“Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?” – Jorma, trying to keep the guys on the other side of the door from realizing that he’s not who they think they’re talking to by quoting Star Wars.
[[Session 6 – Operation Triforce/Operation House Party]]
“You hear something that you might assume in someone less religious was cussing.” The DM, describing Sister Zamada’s attempt to reach the door after a night of drinking.
“Well. . .we can make a hat, or we can make a boat, or we can make an airplane.” Mint, who is apparently a fan of the Zucker brothers.
Lindwell has a three way conversation with Sister Zamada and Mint.
Lindwell: “I like the hat idea.”
Zamada: “What hat idea?”
Mint: “I love hats!”
The conversation moves to Sister Zamada’s security arrangements.
Lindwell: “What kind of resources?”
Zamada: “Resources the we don’t talk to people outside the Church of Erathis about.”
Mint: “Maybe resources like pie? What? I like pie!” wistfully “Pie with cinnamon and nutmeg and apples. . . .”
“Yay! I love pie! Lindwell is the best sla-. . .I mean friend ever!” Mint triumphant!
“I shall spread the buttery goodness over the toast of your malfeasance!” Blizzacane, being heroic.
“Well, I’m sure there are evildoers outside, but as the Church of Erathis is nonaligned, we don’t get too upset about that.” Sister Zamada, taking a stand on evil.
“Oh, silly Lindwell! Mint can’t actually eat the pie! Mint is merely a ex-tru-sci-on into this dimension of an otherwordly entity in the Feywild, and as such cannot affect physical objects. However, if you allow me access to your sensorium, I can perceive the sensation of you eating the pie and enjoy it that way!” Mint explains something of her nature.
“Can we, like, pick up one of the bodies and peek their head around the corner?” Lindwell advocates recycling.
Lindwell has a conversation with an old friend.
Carcassi: “You still, ah. . .not evil?”
Lindwell: “Hey, hey, that’s a touchy subject. And ix-nay on the evil-ay. I got some eople-pay outside-ay.”
Carcassi: “I have no idea what you’re saying, Lindwell.”
Lindwell arouses suspicion.
Carcassi: “What are you not telling me? And why do you have a giant cat behind you?”
Lindwell: “They make good pets.”
Name-dropping the other campaign.
Kevin: “Out-of-character, Jake, what’s some random powerful Feywild figure that I would know of?”
Jake: “The Summer Queen, maybe. . . .”
Lindwell: “Well, we’ve discovered that this palace belonged to Chief High Marshal Borodin. . . .”
“Why are you doing this, Lindwell? Is it because you’re neutral?. . . What makes a man neutral like you, Lindwell? Were you born with a heart filled with neutrality? Was evil not good enough for you?” Carcassi, mocking Lindwell’s alignment.
“If you’ve got a new token, go ahead and pop that out there in the bedroom.” The DM makes an unfortunate comment.
DM: “Mint objects to Blizzacane sitting on her lap, briefly.”
Blizzacane: “Sue me, I didn’t mean to drop it there.”
Etorre: “Transfer the power to me, so I may be out of here.”
Jorma: “I hand him the muffin.”
Jorma bluffs a dragon. Successfully.
“Um. Let’s go for the glazed.” Jorma, faced with a choice of Karl Taras’s pastry-flavored beers.
“Don’t make me have to kill you guys.” Jorma’s negotiating style.
DM: “Jorma, what do you want to do?”
Jorma: “I wanna stab this dude in the face.”
“Something about riddles, and Blizzacane over here passed the Test of Stupid.” Jorma summarizes.
Blizzacane: “Wow, that’s just asking to be pulled, now, isn’t it?”
DM: “Actually, it’s explicitly warning you away from it, but, hey. . . .”
Blizzacane: “That’s what I said, asking to be pulled. So of course, being the curious cat that I am, I must inspect this lever more closely.”
Blizzacane rationalizes a prelude to disaster.
Lindwell: “I believe the law I was taught was ‘kill first.’ No, there’s nothing about asking questions.”
Lindwell: “As I stand here I am representative to Mayor Tek Johnson.”
Blizzacane (whishpers): “Thor Branson.”
Lindwell: "Thor Branson.
Lindwell: “I mean, look at this warrant. It doesn’t even list an execution method.”
Jorma stands before a judge, accused of 15 murders by Lindwell. Really, it made sense at the time.
Judge: “Mr. Jorma, what do you have to say to these accusations?”
Jorma: “Look, fifteen is a pretty lowball number.”
Judge (shocked): “You mean to tell me that you killed more than fifteen people in and around New Port Chalmers in the last month?”
Jorma: “Well, in my defense, sir, they kinda deserved it.”
Judge: “They deserved it?!”
Jorma: “Well, yeah. They were hay smugglers, sir.”
Jorma discovers a new moneymaking scheme.
Jorma “We can do reverse dungeoneers, maybe. It’s like, I’m a ghost, and you’re a grue, and we tell monsters how to save themselves from adventurers.”
The party is fighting a dragon with a grudge against them.
Kevin (incredulous): They can spend multiple [action points] per encounter?
Nathan: Yeah, don’t you remember that first dragon we ran into with Clint? It did it.
Kevin: So that gives him four attacks this turn?
Jake: Yep. Don’t worry, this one’s just Frightful Presence.
“I get in a combat stance, and I swing my arm windmill-style, and I punch myself as hard as I can in the face.” Jorma tests his ghostly nature.
“No, it’s your worst night-bear.” Lindwell practices his Arnold Shcwarzenegger impression.
“So you’re the poo-gineers. You know, I’m sort of an engineer myself.” Jorma makes small talk with the hostages he’s freeing.
Clint: “Hey, uh, this is pretty retarded, but can I run onto Lindwell’s back (like when people run to start off surfing) and surf him to the next platform?”
Jake: “. . .Make an Acrobatics check.”
Jorma gets Lindwell out of a jam in his own inimitable way.
“I learned that you don’t put a bag of Oreos on top of something that puts out continuous heat.” Nathan shares hard-earned wisdom with the rest of the group.
“Oooooh. Yeah, yeah, oh, I’ve done that.” Jorma responds to the charges against him.
“I try to eat one.” Blizzacane’s response to an swarm of imps appearing in the courtroom.
“You need an exorcist! You don’t need the justice system!” The DM has a prosecutor give Lindwell advice on dealing with Jorma.
“With that dazzling display of failure, I will now do a little thing I like to call ‘shift away.’” Wizmo realizes that discretion is the better part of valor.
“Oh, God, the voice.” The DM’s reaction to Foghorn Leghorn as a minotaur cleric.
“A new town, you say? Some sort of reconstruction campaign?” Bartholomoo references the campaign’s old name.
“I do love a good maze.” pause “Course, y’know it’s, it’s not like I’m obsessed with them or anythi – do, do you have one?” Bartholomoo exhibits symptoms of untreated maze addiction.
“Let the botanies hit the floor.” Sean
Blizzacane: “I’m gonna go charging to my hill.”
The DM: “You have a hill? Since when did you have a hill? I don’t remember any hill.”
“Nice cleavage.” Sean, as Nathan describes how he cleaves an enemy with his axe.
Rickshaw: “Rickshaw does a little move he calls shift.”
“These are the first undead Bartholomoo has faced, in his defense.” – Sean
“Well, he would’ve been taught about it in Cleric School, or wherever.” – DM
“That’s right, ‘Fighting the Unnatural Undead 101’.” – Adam
“I’m sure his Granny Moo would have sat him down and said, ‘Sonny, if you ever see a skeleton walking around, hit it with radiant-typed damage.’ Or something similar.” – DM
Bartholomoo is the only cleric who hates fighting undead.
“Is crawling away and hiding under a rock for the rest of the encounter a free action? That’s my next question.” – Sean
“How about ‘Valacious’?” – Adam
“I don’t think I like that one either. It sounds unacceptably moist and possibly obscenely biological.” – Jake
“Beltram!” – Adam
“. . .yeah. Anyhow. It’s really just a memorial stone for some ruler or other, presumably a long time ago when this city was a going concern. Also, Bartholomoo, why are you delicious?” – Jake
“We were talking about moist, delicious things. I couldn’t help myself.” – Sean
A typical Sunday night on the Internet.
“Did we cross any railroad tracks to get there?” – Sean
“No. No, railroads haven’t been invented yet.” – DM
“Did we cross any too-heavily-worn camel tracks to get there?” – Adam
The party arrives at their sleeping accommodations.
“We’re told that there was an elf around who’s looking for a pair of burglar’s gloves.” – A Watchman
“Why would he want any burglar’s gloves?” – Zahar
“Exactly. We suspect he might be. . . a burglar.” – A Watchman
“Uh-huh. Aaaand just because he was getting burglar’s gloves. . .” – Zahar
“Yes.” – A Watchman
“So if I bought ass-kicking boots, would that mean that I’m gonna go out and start fights?” – Zahar
“I don’t know what you’d do with a pair of ass-kicking boots that didn’t involve starting fights. . . .” – A Watchman
“I believe there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. Our good friend here was lookin’ for burger lar gloves to cook burgers. He’s a fry cook.” – Bartholomoo
Assisting the Watch with Their Inquiries
“Well, the closest place is gonna be a Burger-Lar.” – DM
“Aw, boy. What’s after that?” – Sean
“Sid’s House of Beef.” – DM
“I see where this is going. What’s over in the next town?” – Sean
“And then there’s al-Kindi’s House of Genuine Cow Product.” – DM
“Then across the street we’ve got the Hoof ‘N’ Go.” – Sean
“In fact pretty much the only place that doesn’t serve beef. . . " – DM
“Right next to the Jerky ‘R’ Us.” – Sean
“. . .is Lettuce and More.” – DM
“Tell you what. We’ll go to Burger-Lar and we’ll meet you up at Lettuce and More.” – Patrick
“I’ll have the salad.” – Sean
Deciding what to eat
Voor uses a ritual to call upon an extra-planar entity and offers it the best wine the party could afford. The entity tastes the wine.
Entity: “Ah yes. Last Tuesday. A very good year.”
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